Is April Here Yet?

March premieres have been a bit disappointing. I was so excited and The Return of Jezebel James because I am a huge fan of creator Amy Sherman-Palladino (Gilmore Girls) and actors Parker Posey (Indy Comic Queen), Lauren Ambrose (Six Feet Under) and Scott Cohen (Gilmore Girls). It was a colossal disappoinment. Parker was so over the top, which is usually why I love her, but she failed to create an actual personality for her character. Obviously Fox agreed since they pulled the plug earlier today.

The Bachelor has become the worst representation of America since George Bush. For some reason the women on this season believe they are actually trying to impress the Brit. Piers Morgan from America's Got Talent not Matt Grant. Every other season there has been at least one girl accused of being on the show to further her career. This season the question is who isn't on the show to further her career? From tearing open a beer can with her teeth to not one, not two, not three, not four, but five "musical" performances in the first two episodes makes me think these "ladies" have accidentally shown up on the wrong show set. The saddest part of the musical performances is that the girl who claims to be a "professional singer/songwriter" was possibly the worst of all the performances.

The other thing that baffles me about this show is why there is always a girl who claims she doesn't understand how she got there and why she is there since normally she is the one receiving the roses, hundreds of them according to this seasons Shayne. If you have stooped to furthering your career in competition with 20+ other women for one guy who statistically has less chance of ending up with you (even if you are chosen in the end) than your getting hit by a car walking down the street then you have more to concern yourself with then the fact that you used to be the one getting "hundreds" of roses.

I can't wait for the return of the real shows.

My Advice to Reality TV "Stars" Before The Taping

I am writing to all of you who have hopes to one day be on a reality tv show. After watching premieres for Survivor: China and The Bachelor this week I realized there are some simple rules that some people actually need outlined for them. So, here is my advice:

1) Just because alcohol is offered in mass quantities does not mean you need to drink it in mass quantities. That goes out to Melissa, cut night one of The Bachelor. When you drink so much that you can't speak coherently, you really need to cut yourself off. Were you there for the open bar or the guy?

2) Dress appropriately for the game. This goes out Jaime the bra-less contestant on Survivor:China, all the other contestants of Survivor:China who showed up in heels, dresses, fishnet tights etc... ready for a photo op. rather than a survival game. This also goes out once again to Melissa of The Bachelor. If your chicken cutlets (fake breasts) don't stay on/in, then there are proper ways (like in a bathroom) to take them out, and if you can't feel that you are missing one then you once again are too drunk to be in the game.

3) Watch the show ahead of time. If you are going on a reality tv show and claim you have never seen an episode then you are obviously not in it to win, so bow out gracefully before you go on. Again this can be targeted at the inappropriately dressed Survivor cast members who for some reason didn't realize in past seasons they didn't get to bring their bright pink could fit my 4-year old daughter in it with all of her princess attire suitcases with them. (Disclaimer- I have never actually attempted to put my daughter in a suitcase, if she has tried on her own that is completely without the help of her mother and/or father).

4) Do not attempt to "show-off" using tricks that are only seen in circus sideshows. This goes out to the human pretzel and the web-toed wonder from The Bachelor. My suggestion is that you try out your trick for random people in the middle of a supermarket. If they are impressed and ask further questions, you are probably safe, if they are speechless, shocked, horrified, run away screaming, instantly fall into hysterical laughter- cut it. It is better to not be memorable than to be memorable for the wrong reasons.

5) It is a competition. Whether you are there to find love, money, or possibly both, you need to come in with your A game. Know what you are going to say when you come out of the limo or get your first one-on-one time. Have a game strategy and an idea of who you want to present yourself as. I have to hand it to Leslie and Jean-Robert from the Survivor: China cast for this. Leslie immediately claimed she "wasn't religious", though she "has a relationship with Jesus Christ" when she walked out of the temple. The woman is a Christian Talk Show Host. Either it was brilliant strategy to try not to be pegged as the crazy religious one, or she just happened into it with a misstatement. Either way, she came out playing the game. She also made a fantastic connection with a strong player who didn't have the social skills to connect with others himself, nicely played. Jean-Robert instead of trying to fly under the radar immediately made use of his poker playing skills to target and call out his adversaries. He let him tribemate know day 1 that he was in this, aware and ready to play. Deanna on The Bachelor also did a great job with this coming out with something unique and well-prepared when she left the limo, an introduction in Greek that she then translated.

So there are a few hints to begin with. I am not saying you will win the game by following these hints, but hopefully you won't be eliminated Day 1 or embarrass yourself so much that you won't be able to face your family ever again. Remember all of these episodes eventually end up on DVD and they will come back to haunt you if you don't follow the rules.